As my son and I were playing Saturday morning, he asked me when I was going to have a baby in my belly. He has several friends at school that are all going to be or already are big brothers and big sisters. He understands that babies come from mommy's belly. I told him that mommy could not have any more babies in her belly that my belly was broken. I told him that is why we are waiting for a baby from another mommy. I think he understood as much as a 4 year old can. However, just saying those words, "My tummy is broken" was hard. I have known for a long time that I would not carry any more children, but hearing myself say those words were hard. I found myself soon putting together puzzles with my son with tears running down my cheeks.
I love my child, wherever and whoever she is, so much, but her coming into our lives is a loss. It is a loss for her. She will lose her family, her house, and everything she has ever known. For me, it is a loss of a child in my womb. I will never feel her kick inside of me or get the hiccups. I will never be the sole person responsible for her well being. I will never be a "hotel" again.
I have to mourn that loss. I have to accept the fact that "my tummy is broken".
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