One week

So I originally wrote this a week ago and forgot to hit publish, sorry! 

What a difference a week makes… and a TON of prayer.

Last Monday we had a meeting with our social worker that got us down.  I mean really down.  And then God started moving.  Friday evening, March 6^th, we received an email saying our home study approved in our county and sent for state approval. 

Let me back up a bit, yes, we thought we had already done this.  Yes, we had already celebrated this milestone.  Well we were wrong and it took us a lot longer than it should have but we are now approved. 

State approval is what we have been waiting on since September.  State approval normally takes 60 days.  However they were looking out for my home study and it got approved in ONE DAY!!!  So, as of Wednesday March 11, 2015, we are officially on the state wide waiting list. 

 

 

Adoption is hard

Lately it seems like we take one step forward and three steps back.  the family of four that I have pictured is growing dimmer and dimmer.  Without going into too much detail, the meeting this morning did NOT go well. Right now I feel like a divine intervention will have to happen to get our baby girl home.  I have started questioning if maybe this is God showing us that this is not the plan for us.  

There are currently over a half a million children in the US living without a forever family, one of those is our child.  This should not be nearly as difficult as it is. I understand all of the checks and screens they have to do. I understand all of the paperwork (don't like it, but understand it). I do not understand why there are good parents out there and children in need of a home and they are not put together.  

I am not a perfect parent. Heck tonight I gave my son a lunchable for dinner. However that boy knows he is loved. He gets hugs and kisses daily and loves big. We are not perfect but we can be a good home for our baby girl. 

My heart is aching for our child. Please pray, pray, and then pray some more. We are ready for our baby girl to come home. 

Broken Tummy

 As my son and I were playing Saturday morning, he asked me when I was going to have a baby in my belly.  He has several friends at school that are all going to be or already are big brothers and big sisters.  He understands that babies come from mommy's belly.  I told him that mommy could not have any more babies in her belly that my belly was broken.  I told him that is why we are waiting for a baby from another mommy.  I think he understood as much as a 4 year old can.  However, just saying those words, "My tummy is broken" was hard.  I have known for a long time that I would not carry any more children, but hearing myself say those words were hard.  I found myself soon putting together puzzles with my son with tears running down my cheeks. 
I love my child, wherever and whoever she is, so much, but her coming into our lives is a loss.  It is a loss for her.  She will lose her family, her house, and everything she has ever known.  For me, it is a loss of a child in my womb.  I will never feel her kick inside of me or get the hiccups.  I will never be the sole person responsible for her well being.  I will never be a "hotel" again. 
I have to mourn that loss.  I have to accept the fact that "my tummy is broken". 

The Power of Prayer

We have started a study at church about prayer.  At the beginning I was not very excited about this sermon series as we have all heard how important prayer is, but I tried to keep an open mind.  Each week we have been given a challenge in our prayer life.  I took the challenge that was given and I applied it to myself and I decided to start praying for someone that I have not been praying for. 
In this adoption journey there have been several instrumental players to get us to the official waiting list.  It is easy to pray for those that have been helpful.  It is easy to pray blessings over them and shower them with love and kindness.  It is easy to pray for my daughter, for God to prepare her heart and keep her safe. It is not so easy to pray for others. 
Last week I challenged myself to pray for the others in my daughter's life.  The nature of our adoption we will be dealing with children who have experienced loss and/or trauma.  I have prayed for that loss.  I have prayed for her family, both foster and natural family.  Whoever has my daughter now, I pray that they feel the love of God.  I pray that we will be able to have a relationship with them and be able to show them the love of God.  I pray that whatever the situation is, they have peace and comfort in knowing their daughter will be safe and loved. 
I also started praying for our social worker.  I truly believe that social workers have the hardest job.  They see the armpit of society.  I pray that she is blessed in her job and not overwhelmed.  I pray that our adoption is a renewing for her and not another task on her to do list.  I pray that she sees how much we already love our daughter.  I pray for her safety as she enters unsafe places.  I pray that God will direct her to our daughter and there be peace in the situation.  I pray that she sees the love of God through us. 
It is amazing what God did to me as I prayed these prayers.  My heart was softened. What had been hostility, anger, or resentment was broken.  What was left was love and compassion.  I know God uses prayer, but I always saw it as one sided.  I never thought of it as God changing my heart, but God stepped in.  He knew these prayers were not just blessings for others, but that I also needed to let go. That is the power of prayer!