Christmas

Christmas is always my favorite time of the year.  Stressful sure, but it seems like it brings out the good in everyone.  Christmas songs start playing in October while I decorate the house. I plan Christmas parties for all and I love it! 

Well, this year is a bit different for me.  When we started on this adoption journey, I was set on having our baby girl home for Christmas.  With hope from our adoption worker, we felt like this was a real possibility.  As it is now December the 23rd, that hope is looking dimmer and dimmer.  It is not easy for me to come to terms with this.  This is not what I had dreamed and what I had imagined our Christmas would be like. We were supposed to be family of 4.  We were supposed to be celebrating a new addition to our family, but instead we have an empty stocking and an empty room.

This is not what it was supposed to be!    

In my sorrow, I remembered a blog that I read not too long ago.  It was from another adoptive mother.  She said how she longed to be the first one to hold her son and would have loved to be there for him those first few days, but if that it was his mother needed to let him go than that is fine.  She would have the rest of her life with her son.  She closes with this, "I may have missed the beginning, but I’m here for the rest of forever. And if I could only have one–I’d choose forever every time."

I am trying to remember that this year.  This Christmas could be the Christmas that my daughter needs to be with her family, either biological or foster.  She might need this Christmas with them.  They might need this Christmas with her in order to let her go.  As much pain as I am in, I will be able to spend the rest of my life with my daughter.  If I had to choose between this Christmas and forever, I choose forever.   If they need one last Christmas with her than I will try to be ok with that.  I am not there yet, but I am working on it.

Merry Christmas