One week

So I originally wrote this a week ago and forgot to hit publish, sorry! 

What a difference a week makes… and a TON of prayer.

Last Monday we had a meeting with our social worker that got us down.  I mean really down.  And then God started moving.  Friday evening, March 6^th, we received an email saying our home study approved in our county and sent for state approval. 

Let me back up a bit, yes, we thought we had already done this.  Yes, we had already celebrated this milestone.  Well we were wrong and it took us a lot longer than it should have but we are now approved. 

State approval is what we have been waiting on since September.  State approval normally takes 60 days.  However they were looking out for my home study and it got approved in ONE DAY!!!  So, as of Wednesday March 11, 2015, we are officially on the state wide waiting list. 

 

 

Adoption is hard

Lately it seems like we take one step forward and three steps back.  the family of four that I have pictured is growing dimmer and dimmer.  Without going into too much detail, the meeting this morning did NOT go well. Right now I feel like a divine intervention will have to happen to get our baby girl home.  I have started questioning if maybe this is God showing us that this is not the plan for us.  

There are currently over a half a million children in the US living without a forever family, one of those is our child.  This should not be nearly as difficult as it is. I understand all of the checks and screens they have to do. I understand all of the paperwork (don't like it, but understand it). I do not understand why there are good parents out there and children in need of a home and they are not put together.  

I am not a perfect parent. Heck tonight I gave my son a lunchable for dinner. However that boy knows he is loved. He gets hugs and kisses daily and loves big. We are not perfect but we can be a good home for our baby girl. 

My heart is aching for our child. Please pray, pray, and then pray some more. We are ready for our baby girl to come home. 

Broken Tummy

 As my son and I were playing Saturday morning, he asked me when I was going to have a baby in my belly.  He has several friends at school that are all going to be or already are big brothers and big sisters.  He understands that babies come from mommy's belly.  I told him that mommy could not have any more babies in her belly that my belly was broken.  I told him that is why we are waiting for a baby from another mommy.  I think he understood as much as a 4 year old can.  However, just saying those words, "My tummy is broken" was hard.  I have known for a long time that I would not carry any more children, but hearing myself say those words were hard.  I found myself soon putting together puzzles with my son with tears running down my cheeks. 
I love my child, wherever and whoever she is, so much, but her coming into our lives is a loss.  It is a loss for her.  She will lose her family, her house, and everything she has ever known.  For me, it is a loss of a child in my womb.  I will never feel her kick inside of me or get the hiccups.  I will never be the sole person responsible for her well being.  I will never be a "hotel" again. 
I have to mourn that loss.  I have to accept the fact that "my tummy is broken". 

The Power of Prayer

We have started a study at church about prayer.  At the beginning I was not very excited about this sermon series as we have all heard how important prayer is, but I tried to keep an open mind.  Each week we have been given a challenge in our prayer life.  I took the challenge that was given and I applied it to myself and I decided to start praying for someone that I have not been praying for. 
In this adoption journey there have been several instrumental players to get us to the official waiting list.  It is easy to pray for those that have been helpful.  It is easy to pray blessings over them and shower them with love and kindness.  It is easy to pray for my daughter, for God to prepare her heart and keep her safe. It is not so easy to pray for others. 
Last week I challenged myself to pray for the others in my daughter's life.  The nature of our adoption we will be dealing with children who have experienced loss and/or trauma.  I have prayed for that loss.  I have prayed for her family, both foster and natural family.  Whoever has my daughter now, I pray that they feel the love of God.  I pray that we will be able to have a relationship with them and be able to show them the love of God.  I pray that whatever the situation is, they have peace and comfort in knowing their daughter will be safe and loved. 
I also started praying for our social worker.  I truly believe that social workers have the hardest job.  They see the armpit of society.  I pray that she is blessed in her job and not overwhelmed.  I pray that our adoption is a renewing for her and not another task on her to do list.  I pray that she sees how much we already love our daughter.  I pray for her safety as she enters unsafe places.  I pray that God will direct her to our daughter and there be peace in the situation.  I pray that she sees the love of God through us. 
It is amazing what God did to me as I prayed these prayers.  My heart was softened. What had been hostility, anger, or resentment was broken.  What was left was love and compassion.  I know God uses prayer, but I always saw it as one sided.  I never thought of it as God changing my heart, but God stepped in.  He knew these prayers were not just blessings for others, but that I also needed to let go. That is the power of prayer! 

Christmas

Christmas is always my favorite time of the year.  Stressful sure, but it seems like it brings out the good in everyone.  Christmas songs start playing in October while I decorate the house. I plan Christmas parties for all and I love it! 

Well, this year is a bit different for me.  When we started on this adoption journey, I was set on having our baby girl home for Christmas.  With hope from our adoption worker, we felt like this was a real possibility.  As it is now December the 23rd, that hope is looking dimmer and dimmer.  It is not easy for me to come to terms with this.  This is not what I had dreamed and what I had imagined our Christmas would be like. We were supposed to be family of 4.  We were supposed to be celebrating a new addition to our family, but instead we have an empty stocking and an empty room.

This is not what it was supposed to be!    

In my sorrow, I remembered a blog that I read not too long ago.  It was from another adoptive mother.  She said how she longed to be the first one to hold her son and would have loved to be there for him those first few days, but if that it was his mother needed to let him go than that is fine.  She would have the rest of her life with her son.  She closes with this, "I may have missed the beginning, but I’m here for the rest of forever. And if I could only have one–I’d choose forever every time."

I am trying to remember that this year.  This Christmas could be the Christmas that my daughter needs to be with her family, either biological or foster.  She might need this Christmas with them.  They might need this Christmas with her in order to let her go.  As much pain as I am in, I will be able to spend the rest of my life with my daughter.  If I had to choose between this Christmas and forever, I choose forever.   If they need one last Christmas with her than I will try to be ok with that.  I am not there yet, but I am working on it.

Merry Christmas 

Q and A

I do not have the answers to all questions but here is what I have.

 

1) where will you be adopting from? 

We will be adopting through the state. We worked through a state agency to start with and have since changed to another state agency.

 

2) does that mean you are fostering? 

 

Well, yes and no. We are only open to children whose parental rights have already been terminated and family members have not stepped up. However it is a state law that you must foster for 90 days prior to being eligible for adoption. So yes and no is the best answer I got.

 

3) girl/ boy and what age? 

We have said we are open to girls age 0-4. However this mommy heart might not be able to say no to any child.

 

4) when will this happen? 

Your guess is as good as mine. We are already approved for our county and are at state for state wide approval now. So basically we could get a call tomorrow or next year. There is no timeline and that is really stressing me out.

 

5) What will her name be?

Well, much of this answer depends on how old she will be.  She might be too old that it does not make sense to change her name.  We would like her to want our last name, but that will be her choice.  M calls her "Sweety Bubbles".  So that is what she is known as around the house. 

That is about all of the questions I have answers to at this moment, but stay tuned.

A Little Update

In the past 2 years I have not posted one single time on the blog, but I have accomplished a lot both personally and professionally.

March 2013 I accepted a transfer into the recruiting office at my company. This puts me in a role where I can grow and in a field that I love.

May 2013 I graduated with my MBA. I would never have accomplished this without my amazing husband who supported me the whole way. It might not have been with a 4.0 but I did it and am so glad I did.

June 2013 I was asked to become the district president for my sorority. It is a two year term. I started in July and am working with 11 alumnae chapters in two states.

December 2013 I passed The PHR certification test.  This really helps me stand out in my job and prepare me for the next job.  So yes I finally have initials after my name.

Last month I was nominated to serve on the local HR board. The elections will be next month but this shows how my name is getting out in the community.  This is very exciting.

Life is good. Life is really good. BUT. Something is still missing.

I made my list of goals and the only one I have not checked off is expanding my family. We put this off while I was in school. It was just a little too crazy. Once I finished school we were not on the same page.   See, expanding the family for us is not as easy as some.  We knew after the first pregnancy that we would not grow our family through traditional means.

March 2014 I asked B if he was ready and he was. He asked about me and my answer was I am ready for the next step.

I think it is easy to get caught up in the end result and not what is here and now.  We decided at that point that we would start on our adoption journey and when God told us to stop we would stop. I have a different philosophy than most on this.  Most say they will move when God says move. I say I will do what God asks and if he wants me to stop then I'll stop. See God has called us to help the orphans. Why do we need Him to tell us again.  

In March we started taking an adoption class for 10 weeks. We graduated in June. Had the final home study September 12th and are officially on the waiting list.

Mission bring home Baby!